Help, I Need Somebody

The first time marriage is mentioned in the Bible, the word for Adam’s new companion is not wife, spouse, or partner. God doesn’t refer to Eve as Adam’s mate, lover, or better half. He definitely doesn’t call her the old lady. Not even the missus. No, the term God chose when he created marriage was “helper.” Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper as his complement” (Genesis 2:18).

Every time I read this, I start chuckling because this is the first time in the creation story God looks at what he made and doesn’t say, “It’s good.” Instead, when the Lord looks at the man, he says, “Hmmm. Something’s not right here. He needs help.”

You’ve probably heard the joke: God was practicing making people one day, and made a man. But after seeing the flaws and the mess he had made, he decided to try again. This time, he perfected his creation, made a bunch of improvements, and the result was a woman.

Or this one: God’s original idea was to make only men. But after taking a look at the first one, God said, “No way this dude should be on his own. He needs help!” So, he added women to the plan, and the world became a better place.

Women have known for a long time, Don’t leave a man all by himself too long. That’s not good.

OK, putting the jokes aside, at least we have to acknowledge that there’s s a startling change in the pattern established in the creation narrative, because for the first time, God looks at what he made and doesn’t say “It is good.”

As we examine the scripture, we see that God himself presents a view of marriage that is theological, practical and visionary. Right from the start, the Lord makes it clear how he wants men and women to see each other, and how to relate to each other.

Marriage was designed for husband and wife to help each other. Why? Because life is hard, and we need help. We need someone who is there day after day, committed to making our life a bit better and more bearable. With a helper like that, life is more fun. There’s more joy and satisfaction.

A lot of people think a helper is someone who is less important, less skilled, or less capable. Several dictionaries define a helper as an unskilled worker who is there to assist the tradesman or the professional. They offer synonyms like assistant, adjunct, apprentice, deputy, and sidekick. In our culture, a helper is considered an underling, a hireling, or a subordinate.

We call them gophers. We even talk about the hired help—people who do the tasks the important people don’t want to do or don’t have time to do. We see this in the novel, The Help, and the corresponding movie. It shows up in shows like Downton Abbey, too.

You can probably think of several characters in TV shows, comic books, movies, and novels who have a sidekick. There are lots of them: Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson, Batman and Robin, The Lone Ranger and Tonto, Han Solo and Chewbacca, Don Quixote and Sancho Panza, Andy Griffith and Barney Fife, Captain Kirk and Spock, Robinson Crusoe and Friday, Robin Hood and Little John, Shrek and Donkey, Moses and Aaron, Paul and Silas.

It seems almost every hero has a sidekick who provides comic relief, but also offers serious friendship and assistance along the way. It’s a classic technique in literature and drama, where sidekicks play an important role. They help the main character reach his goals or accomplish the mission. They offer friendship and provide insight. Usually, they perform tasks that are beneath the dignity of the hero. Sometimes they serve as a contrasting personality. The sidekick may be a commoner or a bumbler, allowing the audience someone they can relate with. Usually, the sidekick isn’t quite as smart, but helps the star come up with brilliant ideas. Always, the sidekick is of lesser importance.

The problem is that we actually think the Bible supports the concept of a helper as someone who is inferior. No wonder we tend to think of the wife, and indeed, of women in general, as less important, inferior, and easy to make fun of or dismiss. But that’s not what the Lord had in mind when he designed marriage, and that’s not what helper means in the Bible.

The Hebrew word for a helper in the Old Testament is ezer, and comes from a verb that means to rescue, deliver, or help. Whenever it’s used of human beings, it’s talking about someone who is bigger, stronger, more powerful, smarter, or richer who reaches out to the weak or needy. Most often, however, the word helper refers to God himself. The psalmist wrote God is my helper; the Lord is the sustainer of my life (Proverbs 54:4).

Some people think of a wife as the husband’s sidekick. He’s more important. He matters, and she doesn’t. He makes the decisions. She’s basically there to adorn his life and serve much like a classic sidekick. However, that’s not even close to the meaning of helper in the Bible.

An example of help given by someone who is stronger, to one who is weaker is 2 Samuel 14:4, When the woman from Tekoa came to the king, she fell with her face to the ground in homage and said, “Help me, my king! The king was obviously richer, more powerful, and of greater worth in the eyes of the people. Yet, he becomes her helper.

It’s astonishing that Genesis introduces woman this way, and that marriage is presented this way. In essence, the God who is our Helper created someone who will stand in for Him and provide the help the man needs. It absolutely cannot be construed to refer to a lower-ranking female who helps the more-important male. God didn’t make Eve to be Adam’s sidekick.

No, God designed marriage to be a relationship in which husband and wife are devoted to helping one another. This is the first responsibility on their job description when they get married. God is our helper, and those who are married have a second helper. Someone they can rely on, trust, and gain strength from. Someone whose aim in the relationship is to contribute toward wholeness and happiness. Someone who lends a hand and provides help in a thousand little ways, and in some huge ways.

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Heat, Danger, Dust, and Death

I knew from the start that I could be wounded or killed. It was a weird feeling, and I came to accept it. How or when, I had no idea. But every time there was another explosion, I wondered if this was the day.

My wife also knew I might not make it home alive. Or if I did return, I might be a broken man – crippled, blind, psychologically damaged, or all of the above. With that possibility in mind, she told me before I left home, “I don’t want to find out after you get back or after you’re dead that you were in danger. I want to know right away.”

Many of our military personnel won’t tell their spouse and family what they’re going through during war, thinking they’re protecting them. Plus, we’re limited in what we’re allowed to say or write to our families. But I have a hunch there are many, like my wife, who are better off knowing what’s going on, and who want to know.

The first time I mentioned during a phone call some of the dangerous things that were happening, she said, “I already know. I saw it on TV and in the newspaper. They’re mentioning Diwaniyah and Camp Echo by name.” She scanned and sent me an LA Times article. I took it to our staff meeting the next morning, and discovered that many on our leadership team didn’t know what was going on outside the wire.

Heat, danger, dust, and death formed the context for the job I was sent to do. Operating from the philosophy that “ministry follows friendship,” I built relationships among the men and women at Camp Echo: military, civilian, American, and Coalition. This allowed me to be there when they were at their best and when they were at their worst, in their strongest moments and in their weakest.

In the heat of the battle and the heat of the desert, hours turn into days, which transition to nights, and add up to weeks and then months. The conditions wear you down, leaving an imprint on your mind and your soul: images that will be seen in dreams for months or years, sounds that reverberate long after you’re home, people you befriended and cared about and stared at death with, but will probably never hear from again. For many of us, it’s only memory now. But for others, the war continues . . . on the inside.

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Rare and Beautiful Treasures

A few years ago, my wife and I bought a new house. We selected the floorplan, discussed the options we wanted, chose the property, and gathered all the documents needed for the financing. But, even with a lot of prayer and communication, we didn’t agree on everything. Therefore, in order to end up with a home that we both liked and would be happy in, we had to work through the issues and take turns giving in. I had to be willing to say what really mattered to me, and Linda had to tell me what she felt strongly about. We spent hours and hours to get there, but it was worth the effort because we ended up with a house that is attractive, well-built, and meets our needs.

Once the papers were signed and the financing arranged, our house took several months to build. We made frequent visits to the property to see the progress, ooh-ing and ah-ing over every detail.

As you work together through these principles, you’ll do the same thing. You’ll talk, you’ll discover new insights, you’ll have disagreements. And you’ll ooh and ah as you see growth in your marriage, your spouse, and yourself.

You’re welcome to email me whenever you have a question. My website is paullinzey.com and the Connect page is a great way for you to reach me. If you’re part of a congregation, you should also consider talking with your pastor, priest, or other ministry leader to get his or her input.

I understand that not everyone will agree with these principles. That’s OK. What matters most is that you as a couple work together to build a home that is attractive, well-built, and meets your needs. If this book helps you do that, it will have accomplished its mission.

Based on the concept of decorating your home with every precious and beautiful treasure, the principles in WisdomBuilt are arranged in four sections or “treasures.” There are a lot of possibilities for what those treasures are; the proverb doesn’t specify.

However, the Bible, clinical research, and personal experience indicate that there are at least four priceless treasures your home must have if you’re to reach the two goals. If you have those treasures, you are light years ahead of most couples, and well on your way to a great life together.

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