Proverbs 18:21 says life and death are in the power of the tongue.
When I came across Deborah Tannen’s book, You Just Don’t Understand, it looked good, so I bought it, took it home, and placed it on my nightstand. That night I picked it up and started reading, and reading, and reading. The more I read, the more I laughed out loud. The subtitle—what it’s really all about—is Men and Women in Conversation.
“What are you laughing about?” my wife wondered.
“I’m laughing cause she’s talking about you and me.”
Every night I read a few more pages, still laughing. I’m sure Dr. Tannen didn’t mean for her book to be taken as a comedy. She wrote it as a straight-forward description of the way men and women communicate and fail to communicate, based on the way they think and their goals and purposes in the relationship. But when you see yourself and your spouse on every page, it makes you wonder, How did she know that’s what we do?
How Did She Know What We Do?
I think I learned more about communication with my wife from Tannen’s writing than from any other source. It was easy to see my wife’s foibles and laugh about them. Aha! See? That’s what you do! But then to read about what I do was a real eye-opener. I had to own up to my own patterns and behaviors.
What I learned was that Linda and I are pretty normal in how we communicate. In many ways, we fall into the stereotypes of male and female. But the way Dr. Tannen tells the stories is so funny. I called it my evening devotions. I had to read more.
One of the principles she discusses is the 3-fold asymmetry between the way men and women think and communicate.
- Men talk to Report; women talk to Rapport.
- When there’s a problem, men move immediately into Fix-it mode; women move into Affirmation mode.
- Men speak to establish Hierarchy; women speak to establish Community.
Of course, these are generalities. There are men and women at both ends of each spectrum. All too often, however, husband and wife reach a stalemate because of their differences. Not understanding their communication styles and their subconscious purposes, they become frustrated or angry with each other, and that’s when they say things that hurt the other.
Proverbs 18:21 tells us that life and death are in the power of the tongue. What it’s saying is we can choose the easy, angry words and slice each other to shreds, destroying each other and the marriage in the process. Or, we can carefully choose words that affirm, heal, and build each other up. When we do that, we have a fantastic opportunity to create a marriage that’ll last a lifetime.
You can read more about this in chapter 9 of my book, WisdomBuilt Biblical Principles of Marriage.
5 Replies to “Life & Death: the Power of the Tongue”
I’m chuckling too, because your article reveals that men and women do talk different languages. But as we invest time working to understand each other, we can resolve issues rather than dissolve relationships. Thank you for the blog.
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Yes, sir. You are right.
One of the lessons God continues to try and teach me is to bridle my thoughts and my tongue. Not just the wife mind you, but others. In my opinion, people want to be heard. They need someone to listen to them. So do I. I’m “People” too. My challenge is that I’m a “cut to the chase” person. I can “chit chat” or “jibber jabber” with the best of them when I have to, but I am the original “Mr. Fixit.” Tell me your problem, I’ll stop everything I’m doing to deal with your problem, and then I can get back to what’s important to me. Aww come on??!! Am I the only man who thinks like this? 🙂 Slowly, though it’s taking decades, God is teaching me that active listening is an act of kindness. That act of kindness begets patience. Wonderful lesson here Mr. Paul. Will have to look for that book. One of my favorites is Brinkman and Kirshner’s “Dealing with People You Can’t Stand”.
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Love to read your comments, Mr. Wininger! Yep, bridling the tongue, using our words for Good, is a lofty goal! Seems like James chapter 3 talks about that a bit.